‘I’m so tired of trusting. I’m just … done’
I said these words to a beloved practitioner of mine last week, as I sat in front of her on the treatment table with tears streaming down my face.
I haven’t actually posted on here since then, because I have needed time to process what I’ve been sitting in, and I don’t like to speak about these things until I’m at a level of understanding what I’ve just moved through.
You may think that because I write and speak about this concept of trusting life … that it’s easy for me.
But that really couldn’t be further from the truth!
In the past 2.5 years I have been taken on a journey to the absolute depths of my being.
‘Tested’ over and over (and OVER) again by life. (I don’t actually believe we are ever being tested, just strengthened in the exact ways that we need — not that this makes it any easier).
I had already been writing about trust for years before I entered this tough period of my life; now I’ve been forced (or rather, lovingly invited by life) to deepen the lesson. Pushed to my limits.
Many people also journeyed through this exact lesson for differing reasons last year; as SO many fears surfaced in the year that was 2020 (fears of getting sick, fears of death, fears of lost income and survival, fears of isolation lasting forever, fears for the future, etc).
At my core, I am an absolute control freak, as so many of us are. Trying to be in control of life makes me feel safe, as it does for so many.
The root of this desire to be in control comes from FEAR.
Fear that we are not supported by life.
Fear that we’ll be abandoned.
Fear that there isn’t enough … not enough money, resources, love, time.
Fear that if we take our finger off the pulse of anything, it will all fall apart.
Fear that we can’t trust the natural flow of our lives.
We try to control life in an attempt to feel safe.
The ego mind believes that if it’s always in control of life, everything will be ok. But the soul knows that everything *already is* ok.
The only antidote to this attempt to control life, truly is trust.
Trust is the absolute antidote to worry. But it’s easier said that done, especially if you hold a lot of trauma in your nervous system from past stressful experiences (which everyone does in their own way).
And so … my journey with trust has NOT been smooth.
Some days I feel so deeply trusting. I know I am infinitely held by God/Source; supported as I journey through my life, by the same power that created me.
Some days … I have ‘trust fatigue’ and I end up crying with my practitioner. Or my dog —whoever will listen.
I don’t judge myself for ‘losing’ my trust.
But when it happens, I do the inner work to explore what has triggered me back into this state, what the root fear is, whether this fear is actually likely to be true (it rarely is) — and then I do the energetic and mindset work to reframe the fear and turn it into something positive.
This is the WORK that changes my life, over and over again. It’s why I decided to become a coach, to help people do the same, whether it be with trust or another issue.
It’s a process and it takes a willingness to change and overcome fear, so we can step into the versions of ourselves that we came here to be — loving, trusting beings, walking out our truest soul blueprint in this life.
This is the work that I do with my clients; helping them to get to that place of living their truth.
It’s hard to trust, ESPECIALLY when life has been challenging. It is truly like a muscle that you need to develop over time.
Despite my occasional bad days or weeks, I am SO trusting compared to 2 years ago. So I can absolutely attest to the fact that it is worth doing this work, day in, day out.
Also, most of the time we don’t learn what true trust is until things fall apart. When we are on our knees, and we have nowhere to turn except back to God.
If this is you right now, take heart because you would not be reading these words right now if this message was not for you.
Lastly, please remember:
You are truly not alone
You have NOT been forgotten by life
Your dreams are going to come true; they wouldn’t have been placed on your heart if they weren’t for you in this life
You are appreciated
You are loved
And also remember this:
The soul knows everything is absolutely ok — perfect, in fact — right in this moment.
You are exactly where you are meant to be, and if it’s very difficult in that place, please know that you absolutely do have the power to change it, by working with your INNER world, so that your OUTER world can eventually reorganise you reflect your changing inner landscape.
As you do all of this, you are supported by Divinity itself. I absolutely promise.