Is your self-worth linked to the number in your bank account?
If so, I have a story for you …
Early 2019, I ran out of money – completely – after having to use the money I left a break-up with to try and save myself and ‘begin again’ after a relationship ended in late 2018.
When I say, ‘save myself’, I really mean it – I was pretty alone in a big city where I had not a huge amount of friends, and no family support.
I was using what money I had to seek paid support from practitioners (this was not really optional, it was either this or have a complete and literal breakdown, no joke), alongside taking on the expenses of single living (no one to share costs with), running my business, and looking after my sweet dog.
I was earning money, but it was very quickly exiting my bank account …
I remember the day I completely RAN OUT of money, sitting in a park at night, leaning on a tree trunk, bawling, and literally praying out loud for the Universe / God to please show me the way to rebuild my life / finances / and save my broken self.
And the predominant emotion I felt in the moment was … shame.
You see, I’ve ran out of money plenty of times during my life! After all, I left home at 18 to move to the city and study. I was a student for ages. I was used to ‘just getting by’.
But this time was different. I hadn’t run out of money for a very long time. I thought those days were behind me. Wasn’t I ‘supposed’ to be in a ‘better situation’?
I felt SO ashamed of the situation I was in. I felt like I ‘should have’ done it better. I felt like I ‘should have’ been able to get through that break-up alone, while simultaneously being able to THRIVE in every other area of my life.
Shame, shame, shame.
And you know what my deepest thought was?
‘What man would ever want a woman who has no money, a bunch of student loans, doesn’t own a house’ … etc etc etc.
In the deepest part of myself, I genuinely thought I was *unlovable* because my bank account was empty (or low).
I remember thinking, I can’t even open myself up to dating, let alone a relationship, until I have ‘X’ amount of money to my name again.
I was honestly carrying so much shame. It all came up, to be healed.
It makes me SO sad to think of myself a mere year ago, thinking these things.
To think that I equated my self worth with an imaginary, digital number in my bank account.
As if a digital number could EVER describe who I am at a soul level.
As if anyones true magnificence can ever be represented by MONEY.
I was placing ALL of my worth outside of myself.
In the time that’s passed, up until now, I have been on a really, really, really rocky ride when it comes to my relationship with money and abundance.
A ride that, it turns out, I simply had to take. Because along the way, I have healed these wounds.
It’s been a lonely journey.
But now … I can gratefully say that those dark days are behind me.
And it’s not because I’m suddenly ‘rich’ in my bank account.
But rather, it’s because I’m now ‘rich’ in my perspective.
That’s to say, I’m (finally, finally, finally) aligned with the ENERGY of abundance.
Which actually has nothing to do with the ‘amount of money’ in my bank account …
… and everything to do with my perspective and my vision, in EVERY moment.
Sure, I now have more money in my account that I did those days. I’m grateful that I can eat well, pay my rent, pay for yoga, and pay my bills. I have everything I need and for that, I am SO GRATEFUL.
But in the depths of my swirling shame last year, in the depths of being ‘broke’, or watching money flow out quicker than it came in … I was truly FORCED to do the abundance work.
I had to look at all the ways in which I had been conditioned to resonate with the energies of lack and scarcity — believing that there was ‘never enough’.
How I had spent my WHOLE LIFE living in fear around spending money, because I didn’t trust that it would come back in.
How I didn’t believe that I could ‘make it’ on my own in my business …
… and I was ignoring all of the abundance that surrounded me ALL THE TIME.
Abundance is not money, abundance is AN ENERGY.
MONEY is simply one manifestation of the energy of abundance.
These days, I feel super excited and grateful about money, and I also feel super excited and grateful about the other many ways in which abundance flows into my life.
I look around and I see abundance everywhere.
Sure, I have moments of lack … but they are just moments.
I have gone from living in lack and fear, and SHAME, with small glimpses of abundant energy — to living predominantly in abundance, with only tiny glimmers of lack.
And when the lack monster rears its head, I think back to everything I’ve learnt … and the journey I truly HAD to go on, in order to learn it.
And I remind myself, I am ok. I am safe. I am supported by life, and I always will be … as long as I keep my own energy, resonant with the energetic vibration of abundance.
Im glad to say, I no longer equate my self worth with how much ‘money’ I have.
I have zero shame around my circumstances or my past experiences.
And I know that I am LOVEABLE, and it’s not because of my bank account. It’s because I’m me.
And so … if you are equating your self worth with money, how much you’ve ‘achieved’, or ANYTHING else outside of you … if you are feeling shame or feeling unloveable …
Please know that YOU are so much more magnificent than ANY amount of money, or achievement, or accolades.
Your worth could NEVER be defined by an amount of money. There is no amount that could represent how truly amazing YOU are.
The interesting thing is, when your self worth naturally raises – from WITHIN – more ‘money’ and other forms of abundance will just naturally flow to you. Because when you love you, the world loves you. When you realise your own worth and magnificence, the whole world realises it. And this will be reflected back to you in a fun variety of ways …
But, first and foremost, this journey is about realising that no matter who you are, what you ‘have’, or whatever else … you are worthy and deserving of EVERYTHING GOOD. Of love.
I overcame my shame and came back to loving the heck out of myself. And acknowledging my strength and resilience in what I moved through.
Do the same for yourself, however it applies.
And remember, you are loveable for the simple fact that YOU ARE YOU.
And, if your whole world fell apart after a break-up, or for some other reason, you CAN and you WILL rebuild. It will take time, yes. There will be lessons, yes. But if you are reading these words, be assured — you will thrive again.
With love —